.::z. 8/8.

my sleeping pattern is back to chaotic, the same one i had exactly a year ago.

the kind where i fall asleep at 1am, and wake up again an hour later, and depending on what's on my mind then and what i dreamt of, i will either fall asleep again till morning or repeat the same cycle througout the night.

2 nights ago, during that brief 1hr sleep, i dreamt of moving house again. its one of many recurring dreams that i have. in most of these 'house' dreams, i'd be moving in to a huge house, either alone, with family, or with friends. there were various houses; one where i ran through the long corridors and eventually ending up by the beach; one made up of all wood, and when i look down the staircase from a high floor, the wooden steps form an intricate pattern of crisscrossing solid beams. there were also normal hdb flats, high rise condos, and old kampung huts.

the latest house that i dreamt of was odd, especially my room (or the one that i chose to be my room after looking at all the others). it was lonngg-ish. oblong. almost like a long enclosed corridor actually. at the ends of the room, were cabinets, and inside them were stacks and stacks of old china. plates, pots, pans, saucers etc. i thought, ok these had to go, i must clear them when i take over the house. and then in one corner, there was a door that led to a smaller room, but this one is regular shaped, squarish. aaah in this space, i'll put in my bed. and then i realise there was another door, and this one opens up outside. excellent, i can get in and out of my bedroom without going through the main door. and then i woke up.

maybe the reason i'm having these dreams is cos i've turned 35. its the singaporean age where singles can buy their own hdb flat off the market. i was kinda looking forward to it, but now i'm having second thoughts. living alone is scary. i've never been an independant person. during NS i did stay all by myself in a room at the specialists block for 2yrs, but i had the cookhouse to depend on my meals, and the coin-operated washing machines and dryers downstairs to settle my laundry. when i got bored, i'll just take a walk down to the enlistees block and get someone to chat with me. during ntu days, i stayed with my cousin at jurong west for about 2yrs also. i would have my meals in school and bring back laundry every weekend for my poor mom to wash.

honestly, i dont know how to cook rice, have never washed my own clothes at home or hang them out to dry or iron them. i have never swept, mopped or cleaned up the house. maybe its about time.

anyway, back to my dreams.

last nite i dreamt of you. i've had dreams of you the past year, but they were short dreams that does not make sense or have a proper sequence. this time it was a complete, long dream. i went over to your new place, and your younger bro, sis and mom were there too. we chatted, they asked how i am, i played with the little monkey. and then i went to your bedroom. 3 beds side by side, just like in a hospital. i noticed that there was no wardrobe, there was no space for one. the room did have a small balcony, and i saw ashtrays by the window. aah.. for you to have ur smokes. you then tried to get me into the bathroom for some hanky panky, but the lil monkey was in the way and i told you that i am not comfortable until you get yourself checked. i went out to the living room and talked to your mom some more, and when i got in to the bedroom again, you were gone. i looked all around the house and you were gone.

when i woke up, i thought, well, go figure.