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.::z. 8/8.

elegantly wasted.

under rug swept

Thursday, July 31, 2008

fuckin bad day, fuckin bad week.

this is like the 3rd or 4th deal that didnt get through after running around here and there for many nights. i must be doing something wrong. karma? i would like to think so, its a convenient excuse.

i went for a financial talk last nite. it was basically a sales pitch to promote dvds/books, but i left the auditorium with this quote from warren buffet in my mind. it was flashed repeatedly throughout the talk. "until u can manage your emotions, dont ever expect to manage your money." wow. TRUENESS.

i hate drivers who wound down their car windows and dangle one arm out, with a cigarette in between their fingers, smoking away. sometimes the ashes really fly in my face, clothes, everywhere. keep it in your car, u bloody idiot.

the senior people at work keep giving talks on how to interact effectively. communication rules at the workplace. they stand in front of everybody smiling jovially giving us the impression that they are all nice friendly people to talk to. and then i see them at the corridors and pantry and smile at them, eye contact and all just like what they taught us, but then they look away. they actually look away, with *that* attitude. its not just on one occasion. its all the time. hypocrites. fine. be that way.

it has been a year since i last saw and spoke to you. 12 months. the longest ever. i keep thinking of that night, the words that were thrown around, the tears, the slamming of the door. a year of ignoring you, your calls, sms, emails. a year of meeting up with random people, of trying out with one or two, of filling up nights with friends and family, only to have you in my mind still. a year of rebuilding myself again, emotionally, physically, financially. a year of going places we've been to and facing the memories head on, of going places we've never been to, only to think, this would be perfect if you are here beside me. a year of happy moments and wanting you to share it with me then and there, a year of sad occasions and wishing i could share it with you at the end of the day.

isnt one year enough already? 365 days!

you said once that you will never forget me and what i've done for you, and that you will always love me, no matter what. ugh.

lets see if the reboot works. you can still recover data from a reformatted hard disk. to lose it all, you must overwrite every single sector in the hard disk with random bytes. you need to perform a disk wipe to overwrite the master boot record and partition tables. the US government standard specifies three iterations to completely overwrite a hard drive six times. each iteration makes two write-passes over the entire drive; the first pass inscribes ones (1) over the drive surface and the second inscribes zeros (0) onto the surface. after the third iteration, a government designated code of 246 is written across the drive, then it is verified by a final pass that uses a read-verify process.

if its that difficult to completely erase data from a hard disk, what more of a brain?
posted by zul, 1:00 PM | link | 4 comments |

what gives?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

i fucked up a lot of stuff lately.

at work, i am king procrastinator. i got so much work still left undone. no mood. no drive. nothing. its worrying me.

at home, i do nothing but sit in front of the laptop, thinking. until i fall asleep, seating. its worrying me.

i went for an interview yesterday. i fucked it up. i cant even string a coherent sentence. midway, i hear myself babbling and i thought.. what the fuck am i saying? the interviewer said "i'm confused". i wanted to tell her, so am i, babe. so am i. today the rejection email came. "we regret to inform you that ... ". its worrying me cos i so want to leave this current job.

ok maybe its just my attitude. there is nothing really horrible abt this place. but i've never been this sad at work before in my entire life. what gives?

maybe cos i give up easily nowadays. i have no confidence things will work out. why should they? i've fucked it up many times already. the nearer i get to 35, the more unstable i become. it should be the other way dammit. it should be so much more than this.

woke up screaming on monday nite. no, shouting actually, at the top of my voice. so forceful, when i woke up, my heart was beating furiously. my dad came in my room, turned on the lights, made sure i'm alright, and left. 30mins later, i woke up shouting, again. i was so exhausted, i gave up sleeping.

i think its the guilt. or the frustration. there's still anger alright.

before i fuck things up even more, i'd better stick to my comfort zone and let go.

i'm sorry. 08/08/08. reboot.
posted by zul, 5:14 PM | link | 8 comments |