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.::z. 8/8.

elegantly wasted.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

I FEEL LIBERATED.

I AM RELIEVED.

I FELT POWERFUL FOR A MOMENT.

The only thing on my mind the whole day is how to approach Boon Nam and tell him what I needed to tell him. But truth is, I am also weak. I kept on standing up and down and looking over my cubicle to see if he is around. If he is, I'd tell myself I'll go over in another 5 minutes. And another 5. I keep amending my email to him over and over again. Then at about 1150 the survey form was sent to all of us. I opened the memo, clicked on the button, and immediately hit the send button. All in under 2 minutes. I have already decided a long time ago, and it was very clear to me. I chose to take the SRS and join HDB Corp, if HDB Corp cannot accomodate me, I'd still want to leave HDB.

By the time lunch was over, quite a few people knew I've already submitted my response by checking on the Database log file. I sense a kind of hush as I walk through the corridors. I smiled.

At 4pm Peter called me and said he's at the Hub waiting for his appt and asked whether I wanna meet him to discuss my house plans. I thought, what the heck, and gave myself a 1 hour break. I went down to the lobby and chatted with him. He gave me a few forms and we arranged to meet later at night. I went up to Arthur's w/s after that and asked him a few things about work. I also asked whether Boon said anything to him. He said no, and he said that I've been a good 'service provider'. I snigger at the irony.

The moment I reached back my cube, I made some last minute changes to the email and sent it to him. I walked out right after, I couldnt believe I actually sent that. It was stinging. It was quite personal. But I didnt care. What does it matter now anyway? I spent some time at Kok Ching's w/s and then at Lily's. I thought of my first day at HDB, how me and Kok Ching came together and sat at Mei Wah's w/s, waiting for our UHs to pick us up. I thought of the first day Lily came and how we thought that she was a lian cos of the color of her hair. I walked back to my w/s and expected Boon Nam to come knocking in 5.. 4... 3...2... 1.... KNOCK KNOCK.

BINGO.

We entered Courage Room. He actually printed out the email I sent him! Cool. I felt a little bit important. That email actually made him stood up, I think he took a few minutes trying to figure out how to answer me. I looked at him and smiled. He began talking and I detect shakiness in his voice. Yes, his voice is actually shaking. He apologised for approving my training plan and now cancelling the course. He apologised again for something. I didnt focus, I was still reeling over the apology. And he said something else about how this coming financial year, I can take more courses. I told him, Boon Nam, I just want to inform you that I have submitted my response to the survey form, and I've chosen to opt for SRS.

IT FELT GOOD SAYING THAT.

He asked why. I answered , after 4 years of working here, its time to move on. This is my first job after graduation, and I dont see myself working here for life. I want to see whats happening outside. I want to do new things. I want to meet new people. I dont want to be stuck here. I've always wanted to leave, every beginning of each year since 2000, I've promised myself to leave but eventually didnt. This is a good time to do just that, and I want to take this opportunity.

He said it'll be a big loss to the department. And he began his praise tactics again. I told him I have already fulfilled my potential here and he interrupted, "no you havent, if you stayed on, I am sure you will move on to much bigger things!". I told him no, I have made up my mind to leave. He asked whether if I was rotated, I would change my mind. Again, I said, NO. I asked whether mgt will let me go. He said I am definitely not the kind of person they would let go. But they wont retain people who dont have the heart to work here also. My heart left this place since mid 2002.

I cant remember what else was said. He did thank me for being frank. I can be more frank with him if I want to. I'll save it for another session. We left the room, and I went back to my w/s and actually laughed. SUCH A RELIEF.

Went running at Macritchie with Shih Wee after that, Poh Yee was nowhere to be found. I drove him back to office after that and I went up for a while to print out the email I sent out. I met Mervin for dinner at Raffles Hospital and showed him the email. He is disappointed i didnt escalate i.e. cc the email to SH and even CIO. And he is even more disappointed that there was no conclusion to the course issue, yes an apology was offered, but Boon Nam didnt specifically say if I can go to the course now. Ahh tomorrow I shall tekan him some more.

Peter came to my house at about 11pm. He looked around and gave his preliminary evaluation. The whole family is pretty much in unison about selling the house. I will meet him again later this week, probably with Ping and Mervin, to have another look at the house and also to discuss my financial status etc. I'm tired now and in need of a good sleep.

"I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the top of my lungs,
I just found out that there's no such thing as a real world, just a lie you have to rise above"

- No such thing
posted by zul, 12:47 AM

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